What change skills can we adapt from mental health professionals?
Listening and empathy: Your understated superpower
Incredible scrutiny takes place during the lengthy training to become a psychologist. A fellow student often role-plays the ‘client’. Each ‘client’ has their own presenting problem and personal narrative. The challenge for the trainee: elicit this narrative and organise their understanding of it. This is where counselling micro-skills transform — from concepts to a useful skill. Clinical supervisors observe each trainee’s ‘client’ narrative reflection.
Does the trainee attune themselves to their client?
Is their eye contact appropriate i.e. Not too intense, and not looking away
Do the trainee’s questions elicit open responses?
Does the trainee notice small changes in the client’s demeanour?
Are the sessions well-paced, and move towards conclusion on time?
How powerful are the trainee’s reflections of the client’s narrative?
Some trainees practice both active and destructive listening. Destructive listening practice is something you might only want to do once. The ‘listener’ is instructed to go to great length to adopt poor listening practices for their hapless ‘client’. Imagine trying to tell someone your heart-felt story, and facing condescending remarks, interruptions and a lack of eye contact?
Why practice poor listening? It’s a powerful reminder of the importance of good listening practice. You don’t forget what it’s like to be on the receiving end either. Counselling micro-skills are taught and practiced for good reason. Remember when you last felt truly heard? It’s validating. These skills are not the sole domain of mental health professionals.
Is the ‘secret sauce’ of great listening skills is in the reflection and summary? In a business setting, this is a ‘playback’. Only we aren’t cassette recorders, ‘playing back’ someone’s words verbatim.
Can you reflect a summary of your ‘client’ narrative? Do you pay attention to peculiar terms and phrases your client uses? Do these terms have a weighted meaning to them? Do you observe any emotional tinge to parts of the client’s narrative? Do you probe these emotions and words at appropriate times? Would it be obvious to the client that you are present with them? Is your attention coming from a place of helpful curiosity? Do you want to provide powerful reflection to aid your client’s understanding?
Your client can see a useful summary of the challenges in front of them with timely, insightful reflection. Seeing this is like looking in a mirror, and for once seeing something you couldn’t before. Many mental health professionals train for years, so they can help their clients with these beautiful moments of clarity.
Listening and reflection skills are a super-power in your career.
So how do we translate counselling micro-skills into our change practice?
Drawing counselling skills into our change ‘toolkit’
There is a link between the empathic work undertaken by both mental health and change professionals. Dr. Jen Frahm speaks about the challenge of change professionals sitting with a client’s ‘pain’ as they adjust to change ¹. Forbes has a similar view. Being a consultant has crossover skills with therapists. Change professionals are indeed ‘consultants’ in this context. Both consultants and therapists really need to understand the pain points of stakeholders ².
Dr Gleb Tsipursky translated empathic listening skills to stakeholder management ³. In his article, he covers empathic listening, including nonverbal signals of attention. He suggests constant eye contact, a genuine smile and nodding at appropriate times during the conversation. Empathic listening includes using hand gestures and using open questions at appropriate times in the conversation. This is one of three methods he speaks of in building rapport. He also suggests echoing the client’s choice of words and mirroring people’s body language.
Is a change professional’s largely around giving hundreds or thousands of employees assurance? This assurance arrives through the means of timely communications and worthwhile, thoughtful training. We provide ways to support our organisation and affected teams through difficult times. Empathy and counselling micro skills required are useful for this at a team and organization level. Our stakeholder engagement work needs listening and reflection skills in spades. The investment of effort here pays off when we are back in our office. We prepare better change plans and deliverables based on our accurate reflections.
Yet respectful listening and accurate reflections aren’t a panacea — both in clinical settings, and on projects as a change professional.
Difficult emotions
Stakeholder engagement can be exhausting. Yes, your stakeholders might ask dumb questions from time to time. They get into a flap. They might escalate two hundred levels above you, and requests to “please explain” rain down upon your team. Then you have stakeholders who are really upset about the change you represent.
You can detach from the emotional intensity by adopting a spirit of curiosity, appreciative inquiry ⁴ and active listening. Psychologists operating in clinical settings work with vulnerable populations. These populations struggle with various disorders or are adjusting to significant life changes. Client emotions understandably run high. Psychologists in this setting take this spirit of curiosity and appreciative inquiry. This mindset helps maintain their own emotional equilibrium. They focus on people’s strengths and undertake active listening during initial intake interviews and subsequent client treatment.
This work can be quite taxing — they may see several clients a day. Client load can compound the intensity of their work. Change professionals might not always have back to back challenging meetings. As change professionals, can we also detach by using curiosity and focusing on the good in our stakeholders? When we are seek to understand others, is it harder to object to the behaviours of our stakeholders?
Back in the clinic, mental health professionals may prepare mentally before their engagement with the next client. They plan ahead to debrief with their supervisors afterwards. Similarly, change professionals can mentally prepare before difficult meetings. They can also make sure that they debrief with trusted team members — especially after difficult interactions.
There’s nothing like a good laugh after a stressful interaction! How do you feel after a difficult presentation where robust discussions unexpectedly took place? A good laugh can make a bit of a difference with trusted colleagues, so that you can get back to the job at hand.
But what if your difficult interaction is intense, and you need an extra boost or technique to get you through it? Finding the good in the person and active listening just isn’t working. The stakeholder might be trying to attack you or the change that you stand for.
Image: The Boxer. The superior fighter does not rely on his powerful punch or quick reflexes. Instead he creates a rhythm to the fight that suits him, advancing and retreating at a pace he sets; he controls the ring, moving his opponent to the centre, to the ropes, toward or away from him. Master of time and space, he creates frustration, compels mistakes, and engenders a mental collapse that precedes the physical. He wins not with his fists but by controlling the ring.⁵
Robert Greene, The 33 Strategies of War, pg. 201.
Like the boxer in the above quote, some stakeholders are skilled at controlling the pace and energy in the room. You probably find their energy is infectious. Others also become argumentative; to them, your change has significant flaws, and their outrage is clear. But think about the boxer: they aim to control the emotions and intensity of your session. In recognising this dynamic, do you need to match their energy, agree to demands or attack their logic? Not at all.
As a change professional, a big part of your value-add to an organisation is to provide a sense of calm and structure. In the midst of an intense encounter, you have the choice to remain calm. Transactional analysis is a concept from ‘classic’ branches of psychology ⁶. This concept considers interactions with others (or transactions). Transactional analysis suggests that people interact with others and play a particular role. These roles may be “parent” (an authority figure), “child” (helpless, playful and perhaps naive), and “adult” (grown-up, rational — perhaps an “ideal” way to be). Your stakeholders may be high-functioning professionals, but in this interaction with you, they may play role of “critical parent” depending on their perceived relationship to you.
Be the “adult” in this interaction — not reacting to their criticism or attempts to control the dynamic. Is there a significant difference between a reaction and a response? Be the “adult” by providing measured, balanced responses and instilling a sense of calm in others.
Then redirect your attention away from the intensity. Instead, calmly take notes and write down either what is said, or at least appear like you are really absorbing what the person is saying in a constructive way. And by taking notes, this will give you time to pause and reflect on what is being said. And hopefully you can find some legitimacy in some of the intense discussion taking place. By taking notes, it also gets you to think through constructive actions that you can put in place after the meeting. Taking notes is also a powerful tool, because the notes you take can be used to reflect back to the individual or team in your interaction.
Athletes in combat sports like boxing may feel intimidated by their opponents from time to time. And one way to un-intimidate themselves is to look between their opponent’s eyes, which can help them remain calm. Between an opponent’s eyes is in effect a neutral space. The combat sport athlete maintains equilibrium. As change professionals taking notes may be the direct equal of this.
In the moment, your heart may beat faster, and you feel heat rising to your face. Even so, keep taking notes, slow your breathing and remember that you don’t need to match their intensity or energy.
Psychologists will use notes to reflect and capture the system that is causing and perpetuating a client psychological problem, or at least try and understand it as best as possible. Accurate reflection is a powerful tool for change. Taking notes during stakeholder interactions — especially difficult ones- is an understated competitive advantage.
Recap
Active listening is a foundational skill for change professionals. What is the ‘secret sauce’ that raises someone who has just heard you into someone who truly understands you? Accurate reflection and insightful summary. This summary includes both narrative, chosen words and emotions. How do your stakeholders perceive your powerful listening and reflection? It is both validating and raises your credibility. Your clear understanding of your stakeholder’s context is likely to translate to more thoughtful change plans and deliverables.
Dealing with difficult stakeholders? They may be trying to control the dynamic of the interaction. This is good practice in playing the “adult”. It’s a chance to strengthen your character! Emanate an unperturbed, thoughtful vibe. Take notes and direct your attention into your curiosity about hearing your stakeholder well and understanding their context. Your response — not reaction — will lead any difficult interaction into calmer waters.
Your call to action
What can you do today to practice your listening and reflection skills? What technique can you practice when you are in the middle of your next challenging stakeholder interaction? What techniques help you maintain your emotional equilibrium while also serving to understand your stakeholder?
Our book — The Change Manager’s Companion — is available now. You can also check out our online course on Change Management.
Reference List
1. Frahm J. Design with empathy, deliver with compassion. — Conversations of Change. www.conversationsofchange.com.au. https://conversationsofchange.com.au/design-empathy/. Published 2019. Accessed October 31, 2020.
2. DeVries H. Forbes on LinkedIn: The Dirty Little Secret Why Consultants Need Therapy Skills. Forbes. https://www.linkedin.com/posts/forbes-magazine_the-dirty-little-secret-why-consultants-need-activity-6594160600710959104-xDYW/. Published 2019. Accessed October 31, 2020.
3. Tsipursky G. 3 Key Empathy-Based Methods to Uncover the Truth About Your Stakeholders. www.medium.com. https://medium.com/datadriveninvestor/3-key-empathy-based-methods-to-uncover-the-truth-about-your-stakeholders-2f06f8ef5e61. Published 2020. Accessed October 31, 2020.
4. Elwin T. Change management introduction to Appreciative Inquiry. https://tobyelwin.com/change-management-appreciative-inquiry/. Published 2020. Accessed October 31, 2020.
5. Greene R. The 33 Strategies of War. Sydney, Australia: Hodder Australia; 2005.
6. Transactional Analysis. http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/ta.htm. Accessed November 18, 2020.