Use gentle curiosity and presence to help your clients find their true potential.
How do I show up as a coach or psychologist? I serve as a mirror for my clients. This simple stance gives me freedom when working as a coach or psychologist. I don’t have to play the role of expert. Instead, I channel my inner Louis Theroux with my client. My inner archeologist or historian, digging up the client’s story with them.
Early in my psychology training, I learned the power of accurate reflection. I call it ‘being the mirror’ for my client. I aim to be completely present for my client. This presence draws on gentle curiosity. Gentleness and curiosity allow me to display an evolving understanding.
Being the mirror helps my client. My client is the expert in their life. I’m there for them as a humble mirror.
Do I need to be an expert in the precise nuances of my client’s problem? No.
How about considerable pre-work, intervention models, or comprehensive treatment plans? No.
Do I worry about where the conversation may head? No — for the most part.
What do I need when I am with my client?
First, I need to feel grounded, relaxed, and in the moment. I am curious about how my client shows up. I remind myself of recent challenges and their small wins or insights from our last session.
What do I aim to reflect?
I reflect on my clients’ problems in four areas: the mind, body, feelings, and relational. Let’s explore each of these:
1. Mind
The cognitive layer keeps coaches and therapists busy. The client’s thoughts may be a complex, tangled web. We can help clients untangle their thoughts. Yet, sometimes, this layer is overdone. Many clients are stuck in their thoughts. The cognitive layer sometimes acts as a bouncer who does their job too well. The bouncer kicks out dissent, help from others and feeling vulnerable.
- What do their thoughts suggest about their role in their story?
- What words do they emphasise? Listen for emphasised words. They often hint at strong underlying emotions.
- What might they underemphasise? For instance, pay attention when an Australian bloke says he is feeling “down”.
- What labels do they put on specific topics? Can you reflect the client’s labels?
- Where does their attention go? How do they respond when you draw attention to their strengths?
2. Body
Physical cues can reveal a lot about a client’s state:
- How does the client breathe when discussing specific topics?
- What parts of their body seem rigid? Do they appear guarded, fidgety, or anxious?
- How do they show up when you greet them before a session?
- How do they react to a genuine, thoughtful compliment?
- If you administer a psychometric assessment, how do they engage with it — if at all?
3. Emotional
Understanding a client’s emotional landscape is crucial. Coaching clients may reflect anyone probing how they feel. Their tough business exterior belies that we all have hurt and uncomfortable feelings, no matter how much they may live and die by performance targets. Clinical clients may feel overwhelmed by feelings or cannot understand or label them.
- Can they articulate and ‘feel’ their feelings?
- Is the client stuck in endless intellectualisation of their problem?
- What words or labels evoke certain feelings in my client?
- Where is self-compassion?
- How confident and capable are they in tolerating distressing feelings?
- Is there a sense of guilt or shame after feeling distressing emotions?
4. Relational
The therapeutic relationship itself provides valuable insights. Reflecting on our working partnership is vital:
- I can ask my clients if I can do anything better or different for them.
- What feelings arise in my body when working with a client?
- What energy do they put into our collaboration?
- Do they play a passive role in ‘receiving’ potential solutions?
- Do they try to intellectualise or tell me what I may like to hear?
The interpersonal dance between us is telling. How my client shows up in the coaching or therapy space is a microcosm of the world outside this space.
A Case Study in Being the Mirror
Let me share a brief example from my practice. I once worked with a client, let’s call her Sarah. Sarah saw me for help with work-related stress. In our sessions, I noticed Sarah spoke with excitement about her job. But her voice softened when she mentioned her colleagues. When I shared this with her, Sarah realised she felt isolated at work despite her busy schedule. This insight sparked a discussion about building workplace connections. Sarah hadn’t seen it as a concern.
Conclusion
All four cognitive, physical, emotional, and relational layers work together. Yes, the client’s presenting problem in coaching or therapy keeps you busy. Working out a viable treatment plan and measuring success is consuming. Yet, in the moment — in that coaching or therapy space — be the mirror.
How do each of the client’s four layers interact? Reflect on your observations with gentle curiosity and a willingness to accept correction. Your mirror work helps clients gain a clearer self-perception. This approach doesn’t need you to be an expert in their problem or have all the answers. Instead, it invites clients to explore their own experiences with fresh eyes.
I encourage you to practise being the mirror in your work. Notice how it changes your client interactions and the insights it can bring. Remember, the most powerful thing we can do is reflect what we see. This allows our clients to discover their truths.